Balance right? We are all taught throughout life to live with some semblance of balance. Let me give you a few examples:
- Don’t eat too many sweets, but also treat yourself
- Don’t spend too much money, but also buy what makes you happy (my favorite is the Real Housewives franchise if you need a suggestion)
- Don’t watch too much reality tv, but also it’s good to wind down
- Don’t do [insert guilty pleasure here], but also [insert awesomeness of indulging
- Don’t stress about a baby, a baby will come when you relax
- Stay positive and hopeful, but don’t get your hopes up, be realistic about the
My sweet husband and I naturally conceived our son Jack. After Jack came, we began almost immediately trying to expand our family and to give Jack a sibling. It has been over 2 years of trying and treatment: Clomid, injections, IUIs with IVF on the horizon. Unexplained secondary infertility is our diagnosis and we aren’t any closer to understanding our why than when we started this. Writing that out is a freaking blow. I cannot believe this is where we are and I cannot believe that those are my words and my path in life at the moment.
Balance was chucked out the window somewhere along the way of trying to conceive baby number two. And that’s okay. I repeat that’s okay. We don’t need one more idiom to harp on or thought of how we should feel in this infertility journey. The journey is yours and yours alone…hopefully you are lucky enough to find your tribe of infertility warriors to shoulder the burden with you.
Side note: can we come up with a different word than fertility “journey”? Journey is a way too kumbaya for what we are actually experiencing. Let’s call it a fertility war or something stronger and more meaningful than a sissy walk in the park journey. Ok? Ok.
Instead of balance, let’s talk about what can actually be advantageous to discuss: grief and hope. Every cycle for me thus far begins with hope and ends with a blow of grief and then cycles back to hope again much like this:
(Graphics provided here - https://medium.com/spiralbound/the-two-week-wait-f4e94400c49c )
Hope is all we have to combat the grief. Hope sustains us through the peaks and through the valleys and desperate pleas with God. I’m living on hope until we are blessed with that sweet baby we have been working towards daily for over two years. I’m not giving up because oneday that blow of grief isn’t going to come in the form of a negative pregnancy test, but that hope is going to bring the joy of a positive test. Mark my words.
And in the words of Taylor Swift, “They say move on, but you know I won’t.”
**Disclaimer, this is only what works for me and has been my path. Do whatever works for you and only you. It’s your life to live after all.
If you would like to continue to follow along on my “fertility war” with me, give a follow on Instagram @themamamcafee.